Pissed Off

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Dear Folly,
I swear that there must be at least one retard on my end of the floor in my dorm. The reason that I say this is because either he is seriously stupid or he’s drunk when he goes to the bathroom to piss or both. I mean seriously, the guy(s) doesn’t know how to aim because piss is all over the toilet seat. He doesn’t even clean it up. It’s as if he thinks that he has a monopoly on the bathroom. Or he thinks that he has to piss all over the stall to mark his territory. I sometimes wish that I could take a test that when I pass I’ll be given a license to beat stupid people.
That will never happen because of the fact that it’s deemed socially unacceptable to beat stupid people. Plus even if I were given free rein on beating stupid people I would get nothing done since I live on a college campus and am surrounded by stupid people, which is a bit unfortunate since this is supposed to be a place of higher learning.
To say the least, I’m starting to get pissed off. Sorry for the bad pun.
Sincerely,
Pissed Off cos Everything’s Pissed On
Dear Pissed,
I must first and foremost tell you that I am a lady and I don’t know if my tender sensibilities will allow me to help you as this is such an indelicate subject. I shall do my best, however.
We first must hope that this individual is not actually a retard as you suggest seeing as you say this bathroom is in a dormitory on a college campus. I realize that Affirmative Action has significantly lowered the bar for admissions but I doubt that a retard would be able to step over it. I think we can safely say this person must be drunk.
In consulting experts in this arena, they all agree that they can’t manage to piss without hitting the toilet seat and surrounding environs after the 12th beer. It is nothing as primal as “marking territory” as according to The Pet Professor “A dog does not urinate with the intention of relaying any information or signaling anything to another animal (i.e., marking their territory), they are just answering the call of nature!!!”
So what have we learned? What you already knew. There’s a drunk pisser in your dorm, who is also a slob you’d like to beat the hell out of. How can Folly help? I can suggest having a urinal installed that looks like this:
I know of no man that wouldn’t be able to aim directly between those two lips. If you cannot persuade the powers that be to install such a urinal you could also try gluing hair around the edges of the toilet seat and obtain about the same results.
It is indeed unfortunate that you are surrounded by fools on a college campus but the idea you can’t take a test to obtain a license to beat stupid people is absurd. You could become a police officer in almost any small Southern town and have a field day beating stupid people.
Thus my advice to you is to manage to get that urinal installed (or save the trimmings from your next haircut) and change your courses to law enforcement. I hope this helps!
Sincerely Yours,

Chocolate Beer And Bacon Cake

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Chocolate Beer & Bacon Cake

An Original Recipe by Lorraine Elliott/Not Quite Nigella

I adore Nigella, I love her passion for cooking and she is one sexy Mumma!

The one thing I love about this cake is that is has beer AND bacon in it! I am going to give it a go on the weekend.

Do you have a favorite recipe you like to cook that includes beer? If so I would love to hear from you.

Jo xx

Preparation time: 20 minutes

Cooking time: 1 hour 10 minutes

  • 1 cup beer (your favourite kind)
  • 250g/8.83ozs butter
  • 1/2 cup mascarpone or cream cheese, softened (you could even use sour cream)
  • 1 3/4 cups plain all purpose flour
  • 2 teaspoons bicarbonate of soda
  • 3/4 cup cocoa, sifted
  • 1/2 teaspoon fine salt
  • 350g/12.36ozs. brown sugar
  • 2 eggs, at room temperature
  • 200g/7ozs. dark chocolate chips
  • 2 rashers streaky bacon, fried and then cut up into squares*

Chocolate gloss icing

  • 175g/6 ozs dark chocolate drops
  • 150ml/ 5 fl. ozs double cream
  • 1 tablespoon butter

*You can add more bacon to this recipe by chopping up 4 cooked rashers finely and sprinkling it on top of the cake or along the sides. It depends on how much you want the bacon flavour – it is a great addition to the cake

Step 1 – Preheat oven to 180C/350F. Line a long rectangular tin with parchment on the base and sides. In a saucepan, melt the butter and add the beer. Whisk in the mascarpone.

Step 2 – Sift the flour, cocoa, bicarb and salt into a large bowl. I usually never sift things but cocoa tends to be lumpy as does bicarb and you don’t want lumps of either. In a jug whisk the sugar and eggs together. Pour half of the butter beer mix into the flour and then half the sugar egg mix and then repeat until it is mixed together. Add in the chocolate chips and stir to distribute. Pour into the prepared tin and bake for 45 minutes. Cool in the tin for a few hours or overnight.

Step 3 – Trim the cake so that it sits flat when upturned. Place the cake on a cooling rack with a tray underneath to catch the drips. Brush away any little crumbs. You can of course do a chocolate ganache crumb coat beforehand but I was running out of time.

Step 4 – Place the chocolate and cream in a heatproof bowl and melt them together over simmering water or in a microwave. Stir in the butter. Pour three quarters of the icing over the whole cake, making sure it covers the top and the sides completely, scooping up the excess from the tray with a palette knife as necessary. Use the remaining 1/4 of the icing to patch up any gaps with a palette knife. Place the bacon on top and allow the icing to set.