The Death Of Common Sense

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My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by. Today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance, for Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn’t always fair , and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a Band-Aid to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I’m a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

The Prenuptial Agreement!

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A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy Ambassador at a very expensive restaurant in New York.

The Ambassador was so enthralled by her beauty that he asked her to marry him. The secretary knew she couldn’t insult a foreign dignitary, so she decided to let him down easy.

“I’ll only marry you under three conditions.”

“Anything, anything,” said the Ambassador.

“First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72-karat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement.”

The Ambassador picked up his cell phone, called his personal accountant, and said, “Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!”

“Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons, along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France.”

The Ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal brokers in New York and France, and said, “Yes, yes, I build, I build!”

The secretary knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

“Finally,” she said. “I’ll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis.”

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, “Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!”

 

The Pregnant Lady On The Bus

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A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus, She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned to a grin, so she moved again. This made the man even more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and she had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied.

Well your honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition, she sat under a sweets sign that said, “The double mint twins are coming” and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that read “Logans Liminent will reduce the swelling” and I had to smile again.

Then she placed herself under the deodorant sign that said “Williams big stick did the trick” and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident” I just lost it..

“CASE DISMISSED”

The Last Kiss

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Last fall, a group of bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge…So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

“Hey Baby….. whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?”

She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!!”

While he didn’t want to appear ‘sensitive’, George also didn’t want to miss this ‘be-a-legend’ opportunity either so he asked…

“Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe… Why don’t you give ole George here your best last kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that… And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

“Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That’s a real talent you’re wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”

It’s still unclear whether the person jumped or was pushed!