How to Defeat an 8 Year Old in 4 Easy Steps

Contrary to popular belief, this feat is not very difficult to achieve. 8 year olds are pretty stupid and helpless. Using my years of experience as the grammar school bully, I have decided to write this informative piece of literature for anyone looking to pick on someone smaller than them. In this how-to guide I shall show you how to completely destroy an 8 year old child in 4 easy steps. Things you will need:

1.) Make sure your 8 year old is wearing the following:

a) T-shirt

b) Underwear

2.) At least 2 grown ups.

3.) Some grass

4.) A camera

With these basic tools you can humiliate any 8 year old you come into contact with. Why would you want to destroy an 8 year old you may ask? Because they are little and weak and you are big and strong. As a stronger individual, it is your duty to completely own ALL those weaker than you; even children. Why do we do anything? Because we can. Below are the the required steps necessary for proper ownage.

Step 1

Use your superior strength to pin the child to the ground. If he gives you too much trouble enlist the help of another adult, possibly the grandmother, as shown in the following illustration.

Once the child is on the ground proceed to pull his underwear up and over the outer clothing “wedgie style”. Once that has been done, bring back the feet and neatly tuck them into the overlapping underwear to use the natural tension as a restraining device.

Step 2

Once their feet are securely in position it is time to start with the grass stuffing. This step works best if the grass is wet or possibly located under a small amount of fecal matter. Make sure not to stuff grass up the shirt, as we will soon see that that would be a waste of time. The most logical place for grass stuffing is down the under shorts as illustrated in the following picture.

Step 3

Once the grass has been properly stuffed you are ready for step three. Step three is perhaps the most important step because it completes the “total package” ownage. While securing the child with a knee to the kidney, slowly lift their shirt over the top, back portion of the head. Just as in the underwear/foot scenario, the natural tension will do the rest for you.

Step 4

There is nothing left to do now but stand back and laugh your ass off. At this point your 8 year old has been sufficiently owned and you have demonstrated your superior strength and intellect. It is now time to take out your camera and snap a picture for prom night or to post on the internet.

NOTE – Only 1 child was harmed in the writing of this article.

It’s been nearly ten years since I was acquainted with the author of this hilarious piece and the internet being what it is it’s a wonder we’ve yet to meet up again; especially that we’ve never run into each other on Facebook.  I was reminiscing around the Way Back Machine a few days ago, and I ran across this piece from a link on my blog.  We used to trackback to each other in those days.  Anywho, I thought this was too funny not to post on Mother’s Day. Whatever happened to you Cesspool Messiah?  You were a riot.

What’s the funniest/slash mean thing you’ve ever done to one of your own children? Make us laugh!