Pissed Off

Dear Folly,

I swear that there must be at least one retard on my end of the floor in my dorm. The reason that I say this is because either he is seriously stupid or he’s drunk when he goes to the bathroom to piss or both. I mean seriously, the guy(s) doesn’t know how to aim because piss is all over the toilet seat. He doesn’t even clean it up. It’s as if he thinks that he has a monopoly on the bathroom. Or he thinks that he has to piss all over the stall to mark his territory. I sometimes wish that I could take a test that when I pass I’ll be given a license to beat stupid people.

That will never happen because of the fact that it’s deemed socially unacceptable to beat stupid people. Plus even if I were given free rein on beating stupid people I would get nothing done since I live on a college campus and am surrounded by stupid people, which is a bit unfortunate since this is supposed to be a place of higher learning.

To say the least, I’m starting to get pissed off. Sorry for the bad pun.

Sincerely,

Pissed Off cos Everything’s Pissed On

Dear Pissed,

I must first and foremost tell you that I am a lady and I don’t know if my tender sensibilities will allow me to help you as this is such an indelicate subject. I shall do my best, however.

We first must hope that this individual is not actually a retard as you suggest seeing as you say this bathroom is in a dormitory on a college campus. I realize that Affirmative Action has significantly lowered the bar for admissions but I doubt that a retard would be able to step over it. I think we can safely say this person must be a drunk.

In consulting experts in this arena, they all agree that they can’t manage to piss without hitting the toilet seat and surrounding environs after the 12th beer. It is nothing as primal as “marking territory” as according to The Pet Professor “A dog does not urinate with the intention of relaying any information or signaling anything to another animal (i.e., marking their territory), they are just answering the call of nature!!!”

So what have we learned? What you already knew. There’s a drunk pisser in your dorm, who is also a slob you’d like to beat the hell out of. How can Folly help? I can suggest having a urinal installed that looks like this:

I know of no man that wouldn’t be able to aim directly between those two lips. If you cannot persuade the powers that be to install such a urinal you could also try gluing hair around the edges of the toilet seat and obtain about the same results.

It is indeed unfortunate that you are surrounded by fools on a college campus but the idea you can’t take a test to obtain a license to beat stupid people is absurd. You could become a police officer in almost any small Southern town and have a field day beating stupid people.

Thus my advice to you is to manage to get that urinal installed (or save the trimmings from your next haircut) and change your courses to law enforcement. I hope this helps!

Sincerely Yours,

Dear Folly